What's in a Name?

We in the nest are experiencing one of those happy flurries of matching and hatching amongst some of our dear friends. This has led to conversations revolving around the meaning of baby names, whether a woman should take her prospective husband's name, and whether a child should have a double barrelled name, so both parents' families are represented.

Whilst it is a delight to be joyful and celebrate with friends who are celebrating, I suppose it is natural that these conversations strike an uncomfortable chord within me as I battle to come to terms with my situation and life how it is going to look. The main issue being that my names don't seem to fit any more.

My surname, F_. A beautiful and eagerly anticipated gift, given to me by my husband, now feels redundant. A mockery, and a constant reminder that I no longer stand beside him, but torn apart from him. My name - a scar and a battle wound that is so fragile that it still tears a little when touched upon.

I cannot go back to my maiden name. This would be a backwards step, and a regression tying me to a past life that bears little relation to my present life, and this decision would mark me out as different from my beautiful boys.

My title 'Mrs' is equally painful, but no more painful than it's successor, 'Ms', which for me feels bland and beige compared to the richness and deliciousness of being someone's wife, and wearing the title Mrs as a badge of honour.

The name I go by to my friends, 'Nic', doesn't fit either. It is a most peculiar thing, but I feel like I have grown out of it. Like in the Bible, when Noami changed her name to 'Mara', meaning bitter; I feel like there has to be a shift for me. That 'Nic' is too carefree and youthful, 'Nicola' - previously used as 'Sunday best' or when I was 'in trouble' suiting better now, and represets the almighty shift in my life and experience.

'Dancingnic', my tag in blogland and facebook world has gone and I don't think she will ever come back.

BUT there is hope. There are names for me that I cling to and claim with pride! These names representing where I am now, and WHO I am now, and who I can continue to be: names that fill me with joy and pleasure and comfort on the darkest of days (which, thankfully are fewer and further between).

MUMMY!

- to the precious and beautiful and entertaining JSF and Jamesy bean. Without these two little sleep thieves I would be lost. Probably under my duvet. Probably with a box of wine. I am so thankful for the laughter and joy and hope that they give me, and I claim the name MUMMY with absolute pride and delight.

FRIEND!

- I have been blessed with friends who have been faithful and loving and gentle. Friends who have cooked meals, who have offered a hug and a cuppa, provided babysitting services, organised nights out, provoked deep belly laughing (the likes of which I never thought I would experience again) and friends who have quietly and stoically walked beside me and loved me and my boys.

Even better, there are a small number of precious, precious friends who make my heart burst with joy, simply because they want to know me and spend time with me, and let me know and spend time with them. Their friendship has worked a healing in me, and without them, I would be still in the fog.

I do not deserve these friends. And as I come up for air after the last two years, I look forward to BEING a friend again.

MUNRO BAGGER!

- 18 munros in 3 months isn't bad, eh? Only 263 to go. I am, unashamedly, 'A Bagger', and I claim this name with great satisfaction when in the company of hill walkers and non hillwalkers alike. I'm not even completely sure how this started. A wonderful and exhilarating new hobby, with clear targets, and smashing company in the form of my walking club buddies! There is no where I feel more free than up a hill, and if I am honest, when I climb, the headache which is my constant companion lifts, and i feel like I could sing with delight!

and it doesn't end here! I can claim DAUGHTER, SISTER, MUSICIAN, CRAFTSWOMAN, BUSINESS WOMAN, and the title of this blog:

ASPIRING WONDER WOMAN!!!

she is a little bewildered, but she is not lost. I claim this name, and I continue with my aspiration.

A beautiful poet El Gruer has written a series of poems that you should check out, and if I may quote her here: watch this aspiring wonderwoman turn her brokenness into a BATTLE CRY!!!

MUSICIAN!